Direction

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Or perhaps a more apt title would be "the lack of...direction". Before I continue though, NO, this is not a post about the potential break-up of a particular British boy band, but I suppose considering the title and timing of this post, you would be forgiven for thinking so. But since I did bring it up, you might as well click on this  hilarious article about how Zayn Malik has managed to singlehandedly bring the British economy to a standstill.

Okay. So let's talk about direction. Or my lack thereof.

Long story short: I don't know where mine went. I'm sure I had it with me all throughout last year. It was the thing that kept me driven, kept me gritting my teeth and hanging on throughout all those unpaid internships and 2,500 word essays (fuck you comms). It was there in Thailand as well - a comforting presence that told me what I was doing was worthwhile and instilled in me a passion for volunteering and work that was of a social-good nature.

But ever since the 2015 semester started, it seems to have deserted me and left me floundering a little bit through life like an unfit 56-year old man on Bondi Rescue.

My mind seems to be in a bit of a mental rut whilst outwardly, I'm going through the motions like nothing's wrong. I sit in class, I (try to) pay attention, I talk to people, I go to club activities, I hang out with friends and I smile my way through work.

But inside, I feel like there's a crucial component missing. I find myself asking the question "why?" a lot. Why am I learning this at university? Why am I making such an effort to turn up at this event? What exactly is my end goal? Am I pushing myself enough or am I getting lazy? And because I keep second-guessing myself, I'm not fully invested into anything I do. I go to class but I'm not really engaging. I go to the club activities but am not really making that much of an effort to interact with people and build my networks. I'm basically on autopilot.

Sometimes I think I never really had direction or an end goal. Maybe the fact that I was trying so many new things, meeting so many new people and getting pushed out of my comfort zone last year deceived me into thinking I was heading somewhere when really I was just as lost as I am now. But now that I'm heading into my third year of university, everything's kind of lost its initial shininess. Compounding this is the fact that I don't even know if Public Relations is for me. And every time I admit that to myself, a little part of my spirit shrivels up and dies.

Is it because I don't have anything to look forward to? This time last year, I was applying for The Big Lift. After that came ATYAP preparation. I also had various internships dotted throughout which kept up the illusion of "career progression" that I was weaving for myself. But now ATYAP is over, I've wrapped up my internships (and have no plans on going back to office errand girl anytime in the near future) and there are no exciting adventures on the near horizon.

I'm going to China next March and will be there for an entire year. Is that why I can't seem to think beyond this Great Wall of Apathy? (sorry lame pun). My pitifully narrow plans for life seem to end at China. Beyond that, there is nothing. I don't know what will happen when I come back. I don't know who will be here, how I will cope with the post-travel depression and what sort of work I'd be qualified to even be looking for.

I wish I had a straightforward goal: like Jess who knows with 100% certainty that she wants to be a Doctor and help save lives. Or my engineering friends who are eagerly awaiting the end of their university studies to get into a good company so they can start full time work. But the sad truth of the matter is that I don't. And if someone came up to me today and asked me, "What makes you you?" or "What have you done lately that sets you apart from everyone else?", I wouldn't be able to give them an answer. And doesn't that just put a bit of a downer on life?

/end pity party.